8 Hilarious Things People Have Actually Written On Their CV

Recruiting new staff can be a lengthy and tiresome process – from writing the perfect job ad, to an endless line-up of interviews. But the process can also be a very interesting one too!

You’ve probably read your fair share of CV’s before, and between the great and the forgettable, there is always a good chuckle or two…

• • ‘None of my references really like me, so please don’t believe what they say’
    It’s probably best not to mention that previous employers don’t like you – it doesn’t really set a good impression.

• • ‘I’m kind of a big deal’
    It’s great to have some self-confidence but I think this is what they call overstepping the mark and moving into cocky territory, which doesn’t bode well with most employers.

• • ‘I can type without looking at the keyboard’
    I appreciate the skill; however, most of us can now probably type without looking at a keyboard considering how long we spend on computers. Not to mention that this doesn’t really bring anything to any sort of job role.

• • ‘Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math’
    Now this seems like an attempt at a joke by whoever wrote this CV, but I doubt most employers would see it that way.

• • ‘Why should you employ me? I bring doughnuts on Fridays’
    In my opinion, a little bribery never hurt and this is a very tempting offer, plus it shows a sense of humour. As long as they go on to actually list more serious reasons for hiring them, I don’t really see the harm in dropping in this little joke.

• • ‘Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job’
    I can see the intention behind this statement, but surely you would realise that this is implying you were fired from most, if not all, of them.

• • ‘I’m not going to waste your time by lying. I have no skills, yet’
    They say you should never lie on your CV, so that’s a good start. But no job ad has ever said ‘desirable: no skills’. You’re at least expected to cover the basics such as written and verbal communication, time management and/or team work.

• • ‘My interests include cooking dogs and interesting people’
    A great example of how bad punctuation, or lack thereof, can really impact a sentence and ruin a potential employment opportunity.

Guardian Support are here to help if you need assistance with your recruitment process. Just call 0845 2626 260 for your free consultation.